“I wish that I could love you in every form,” I’d prayed shyly. I wasn’t even sure if I were allowed to ask for such a thing. So strange it was, to stand there with my hands folded in a puja, feeling so lonely and far from that presence which never left my side. Apparently, there were acceptable ways to love gods, and in every way and in every relationship was disrespectful.
His voice is soft and gentle whenever he speaks. “Of course, Rani,” he spoke into my heart. “It is written for you.” I was so young and innocent, a child of barely six or seven. The feeling of joy was enough to reassure me then. I thanked him, bowed, and left my worries there. I forgot this promise of his until many years later, when I had grown accustomed to fearing the intrusion of people in my spiritual practices, path, development, and self. He always keeps his promises, and I am ever so grateful.
I have found that, when working with deities, there will come a time in developing your relationship with them when you are forced to make decisions that require you to choose between humans and gods. I’m not sure that this is entirely intentional either. Often, this is a natural result of the cultural clash between humans and deities. Practitioners develop their own philosophies for navigating these kinds of challenges out of necessity, and their personal philosophies and approaches shape their experiences with both deities and humans as well as their own spiritual paths. The fact of the matter is simple: we demonstrate our character and priorities through our decision-making. And so it is often through our decisions that our relationships take form–with all beings and the world around us.
So when one develops a relationship with a deity, it is one that will continue throughout lifetimes. The presence and feel of that relationship may change, but the bond remains and continues to grow. Deities are ancient, mature beings and have their own principles, practices, and desires. They are not always going to be on the same page as a person, not even their charges or bhaktas. That is okay and normal. In fact, such conflict is a sign that both parties are free. It is not necessarily a challenge that is meant to be overcome through persuasion or the changing of opinions or wills.
In this way, over time, as trust builds and your relationship develops, it is highly probable that a deity will ask for things that conflict with what other humans desire. Sometimes, even if we are not practicing in any meaningfully unorthodox or intense way, the presence of a deity can itself cause disturbances in the human relationships around you. Again, trust is paramount. But these challenges are not meant to disappear; they are opportunities to consecrate one’s own values.
It is easy for deities to grant wishes. They are familiar with human greed and temptation. They are used to human culture and how human beings demand equal part in all resources, including the perceived favor of a deity. Testing their devotees, bhaktas, or charges is a natural part of the process as it allows deities to understand our true motives. These kinds of decisions, the ones where a sadhak has to choose between the deity and other humans, reveal their answer to a key question.
For whom are you building your relationship with me: for yourself and me, or yourself and other humans?
This is the crux of the difference between spirituality and religion, in my mind. Religion is a human practice that is meant to cultivate community bonding among other human beings. It is often prescriptive and is usually based on group consensus. It is an exercise in cultivating and enforcing a shared experience, and therefore, shared beliefs among people in a community. In other words, religion is an act of community building among people. It is a practice that is wholly meant for humans by other humans. In it, there is little space for bonding with a deity that isn’t meant to suck the power and blessings from the divine entity into the humans who summon it.
Spirituality is a broader term that can encompass a greater variety of practices and beliefs. But it is more concerned with the journey of the soul and that process of self-discovery and development. Spirituality is the realm where humans can choose to have relationships with deities for the sake of the relationship itself. And as I have mentioned, deities are extremely mature beings. They are not inherently offended if one chooses to have a relationship with them for one’s own personal development only rather than from a place of loving that deity. It is the honesty and transparency that the deity values. It is the cornerstone of a respectful relationship, with anyone and anything.
Is this relationship the means to an end or the end of the means?
It is natural for people to want to share their experiences with each other, and indeed, one should not have to hide their practices. However, conventional wisdom, especially in tantric or occult spaces, is to maintain secrecy. I can understand why this is so. People are prone to judgement of even the most benign and well-intentioned behaviors. When humans believe that other humans are gaining some unfair or unearned advantage that they refuse to share with the group, it is not long before they resort to attempting to extract such resources by force or punishing the person for going against the larger group’s beliefs. In other words, practitioners and sadhaks are encouraged to keep their practices secret not just to strengthen their bond with their deity but also to protect them from the ire of other people.
This itself lays bare the core challenges of building a personal relationship with Divinity. The second one builds such a relationship, other humans are quick to try to monopolize or appropriate that work for themselves. And most notably, the animal we inhabit as people has its own ahamkara, and so the sadhak must face the challenges of their own being head-on. Building a personal relationship with Divinity forces one to reckon with who they are and what they prioritize in their lives and spirituality. The greatest thing about gods is that they always tell the truth, and so when one builds a relationship with deities, they can be sure that the deity will always tell them the truth and lead them to it.
Building a relationship with a deity for other people does not require the deity to participate. They can continue to perform their duties uninterrupted. Their activity or inactivity does not impact the community-building that religious ritual does for people. And as far as mediumship or acting as an oracle, where a practitioner must maintain a relationship with a deity to relay messages to other people, these relationships with deities are unique and interesting in their own way. They are markedly different and the purpose of such messenger activity is different to these practitioners’ personal spiritual goals, beliefs, or paths.
In the end, it is always worth asking oneself why they are building a relationship with a deity in the first place. Am I building this relationship with a deity because of my community or because of something about this deity? What would I want to gain in this relationship and why? And what can I give this deity sincerely? What would they want? Having conducted a serious and thoughtful reflection on these questions can significantly shape one’s spiritual journey, but it also demonstrates one’s honesty to the other party in the relationship: the Divine.
Personal relationships with Divinity require honesty and transparency. And beyond that, they require trust and courage. It is extremely difficult to maintain such relationships without the courage to stand firm in one’s convictions, the bravery to take responsibility for one’s mistakes and missteps, and the determination to keep trying even when things are difficult. Personal relationships often defy the scripts created by religion because they grow organically from the bond one has with their deity. A living relationship is one prone to periods of change, silence, stability, and many other feelings. They are not always predictable, and so it is important to build from a foundation that is firm.
Deities only care about a pure bhāva.
That’s why in the Bhakti movement, bhāva became so central to approaching deities. “Bhāva” means intention, feeling, or purpose. Personally, I believe that there are as many bhāvas as there are souls. Infinite and unfettered must be the bhāvas of every soul that approaches the Divine. But in larger culture today, we recognize five main bhāvas that are the most popular with which Divinity is approached.
My childhood self had been thoroughly chastised for wanting to see Shiva as a husband one day as much as wanting to see him as my friend as I did then. I didn’t understand why an eternal being would be limited to loving me as humans insisted on loving each other, with such rigid rules. And indeed, he did follow through on his promise, allowing me to experience every bhāva. They are all wonderful, and I found myself learning invaluable things about both of us, Shiva and myself, throughout those experiences. Each bhāva allowed me to grow on my own but gave me a new understanding of my relationship with him and my place in the world.
Contrary to what people would tell you, there is really no bhāva that is greater or lesser than another. They are all the same love pouring out of you and becoming one with the Brahman. They are all important feelings, and they are all beautiful and worth experiencing. As I mentioned before, when one expresses such a pure bhāva, it is certain that other people will try to insert themselves in your relationship with the Divine; I suspect it comes from a childish envy. In fact, for every one of the five bhāvas, I have heard criticism and judgement, not just of myself but of others. People will find a way to call any bhāva disrespectful if they are sufficiently jealous or threatened.
One should not allow the words of such impetuous, imperious judges to hurt their heart. It is foolish to feel threatened in this way; no one owns the Brahman. You can’t own souls; they are free. And building your resilience in your relationship with yourself and the Brahman, with Divinity, is a worthy goal in and of itself.
When I think back to that memory of my child self, who had prayed to love Shiva in every bhāva, I wish I could comfort her with this. Such cruel words may hurt now, but they will make your faith stronger. They can make us bolder and braver if we allow them. They can soften our hearts to others if we let ourselves learn. Just because someone says that they don’t like what you’re doing doesn’t mean that what you’re doing is wrong. How you love the Divine is no one’s business but you and the Divine. So you should trust yourself and allow yourself to be led by the love in your heart, no matter the form that it takes.
I hope that everyone who wants to may experience every bhāva they desire with this Brahman. There is nothing more lovely and fulfilling than to love the Brahman and be loved back. That is the beauty of a personal relationship. It is risky because it is a responsibility. There is no hiding when there is no medium between the Self and the Divine. That’s what makes it so precious; it is unique to you.
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