The bitter truth is that spirituality is not about escaping our problems.
It is not meant to be effortless.
Spirituality takes work, just like everything else.
The core of toxic spirituality is avoidance and a need for control. I think it’s normal to turn to religion, deities, the Divine at large when one is seeking respite. Just as we turn to loved ones for comfort, it is a beautiful thing to seek in the Divine. And yet, I think that how we seek comfort and what we imagine is comfort will invariably affect our approach towards our spiritual path, Divinity, and all other beings. When one trains themselves to prioritize their personal comfort at as little personal cost and effort as possible, this inevitably impacts every aspect of one’s life.
The key to having healthy relationships, with other humans, animals, plants, all beings, is to take responsibility for oneself and one’s actions (accountability, in other words) and to surrender control. This allows both beings to be free and enables the unfurling of infinite possibility. Control is a treacherous thing, giving the illusion of stability while really, that stability is a fragile cage.
Our spiritual path often begins with a perspective that we do not choose, and yet we must face it at some point.
Most human beings are socialized very young, and we grow up around each other. We are taught how to behave in social environments, what our roles are, and the expectations associated with those roles. There are many behaviors we acquire through the process of living amongst each other that are meant to maximize our own comfort. And yet, that does not mean that these behaviors are necessarily ethical. They are just accepted in our societies. Similarly, there are many decisions and behaviors that, while ethical in some circumstances, are strictly prohibited. Why?
It is because this is human culture. It requires our constant adjustment to fit in. And we socialize other human beings in the same way. And why do we do all this? Why do we form elaborate structures like this? It is to share resources. I don’t believe that this is the only reason human beings make social networks, but I do believe that for many people it is precisely this mindset that enables them to continue staying in their social circles. Frankly, most people are willing to adjust when they believe that there is something in it for them; they are always prioritizing themselves in all their relationships. When one considers bhāva in bhakti, it is important to keep this context in mind.
It is logical that human beings will approach Divinity through their own lens. Especially when we have yet to develop that inner awareness of other beings and the discipline required to act selflessly, we will often approach the Divine and spirituality from a place of prioritizing our own needs. And that is fine.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s spiritual journey, especially as I have no idea what anybody else wants to get out of their spirituality. Just as there are infinite bhāvas through which souls connect to Divinity, similarly there are infinite goals that can be pursued. Perhaps the best way to assess one’s spiritual path is to ask oneself how their practices are orienting them in regards to their goals. This is the awareness that forms the foundation of all future action. And as our awareness develops, our actions may change too.
The key to cultivating and experiencing anything is presence and action.
How would you cultivate anything from which you are running? That’s like trying to cradle a hot rock. How would you hold close something so hot that it burns? It’s like trying to water a plant that you are also trying to forget exists or like trying to meet a friend for a coffee that you are also avoiding.
Humans are smart creatures who are always trying to cut resistance in their tasks. Unfortunately, we are usually doing this not from a place of efficiency or seeking truth but rather because we are trying to avoid pain. Sometimes the fastest route is painful, just as sometimes the truth can hurt. But just as even painful truths usually bring peace, when one faces their challenges head on rather than avoiding them, they experience peace.
So the key is simple.
Stop running from yourself.
This begins with the self. Stop running from yourself and decide honestly what you want. Who you want to become or embody will determine how you act. In this way, cultivating and experiencing any bhāva with relationship to Divinity is deeply personal. It will be tied not only to your unique perspective and experience, but also to your goals. And so I always encourage any seeker or sadhak to first ask themselves what their goal is in their practice.
What do you want, and why do you want it?
It’s okay not to have all the answers at once. Sometimes we want to answer a call that we feel from within. Sometimes we are seeking relief. Maybe we are seeking a witness. These are all good starting points for any journey, because the recognition of our own desire is the key first step towards self-knowledge.
By beginning from a place of acknowledging our own desires, we can move forward with greater honesty. We don’t have to pretend that we are being benevolent when we aren’t, that we are being selfless when we are being self-serving, and we don’t have to put on any airs. I have heard many times that people are not the same behind closed doors as they are in public, but I disagree. If one is putting on airs in the external world, they must usually maintain that in their internal world. Otherwise, the inner conflict itself becomes apparent. It leaks out of us.
Why should it be easier to face ourselves in private than it is in public? At least you can escape the outside witness. You leave the rooms where people make you uncomfortable. If you don’t want to talk to someone, you can screen your phone calls. We often avoid texting back our loved ones, allowing the guilt to pile up until either the problem disappears or the relationship does. But yourself? You’ll never escape yourself! That’s why the first step is to stop running away.
Once you’ve stopped running, you can decide what you will do next.
That pause makes all the difference. It allows us to assess where we are, who we are, and where we want to go. It is in the pausing and assessing that we are the most aware. I think this is why many people find themselves going through sudden crises of faith. It is because they hadn’t been aware while performing their actions, and suddenly, they have to assess everything at once. It can become really overwhelming. Allow yourself grace in those moments.
It is okay to only want to go to the Divine for peace or for joy. It is okay to want to cultivate that relationship to live a fuller human life. That honesty allows us to build our spiritual path in a way that does not build resentment, because we are being transparent with ourselves about our expectations. Then, when we take the next step and move forward in our actions, we can more fairly assess what the effect of these actions is and how we will adjust. This approach allows us to join (or yoke) our spiritual practice to the mundane life that we are living. That integration connects us more deeply to the Divine and provides an anchor that will stabilize us when things feel chaotic.
When one chooses to develop a personal relationship with Divinity, one also takes on the responsibility that comes with that relationship and those choices.
As I mentioned earlier, it is logical that human beings will approach Divinity through their own lens. This is why four of the five bhāvas are actually roles in our own society. They are roles that our culture has created and that it reveres. For example, there is no neighborly bhāva, even though I would make the argument that treating our neighbors like we recognize their Divinity would bring most people a lot of peace! In any case, when we approach Divinity through any bhāva, we are often making a commitment to a kind of relationship. And relationships require effort and work.
This is the other reason that I encourage sadhakas to consider how they want to approach their practice. If you are approaching a deity, the bhāva a relationship begins with is usually not a binding contract. Living relationships are subject to change and growth. Perhaps you will find that your role and actions, your feelings, change over time. This is normal and to be expected. But at the very least, it is helpful to ask ourselves where we want to start.
Which is the bhāva that most calls to you?
And what does embodying this bhāva look like?
It is crucial to understand that I am not asking you to decide for the deity or the Divinity you are calling to, even if it is just your truest self. I am asking you from your perspective. What is the commitment that you can make? If you weren’t going to run away from yourself, from pain, or from the path ahead, who would you want to be? If you became the total embodiment of the bhāva you have chosen, that you feel most aligned with, what does it look like?
These questions outline the first step in your journey. They lead one to understand what their behavior will be. And as you continue deepening your understanding of your spiritual life, you will also deepen your understanding of yourself. And that is what gives us the freedom to change. Bhāvas are a fantastic point of origin for the journey, and as long as we remain aware and present, we can steer ourselves in whichever direction we desire.
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